Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Positive jealousy and when it is okay to express it - ARTICLE

In some situations, expressing your jealousy is very good.

Suppose that you are out with her and she starts talking about her ex.

In fact, it happened many times before.

It became a pattern.

She praises what he does or what they did in the past.

It feels draining for you!

Should you say something?

Of course you should!

"I don't really want to hear about your ex. Is this okay with you? Thank you"

This is called a boundary.

It protects the time you have together.

When you educate her or express a boundary, you need to be firm and consistent.

You might need as well to repeat the same message a few times until she truly gets it.

You can take as well a special moment later to tell her exactly why you no longer want to hear about her ex.

Her talking about an ex again and again is one example.

Here are some more situations which can trigger a positive jealousy response:

· She keeps a portrait of her and her ex which everyone can see in the house where you live together.

· She talks a lot about a specific male friend.

· She picks up a call and spends 30 min on the phone when you are out having dinner together.

· She frequently cancels dates with you at the last minute because of work.

· Etc.

As you can see, not all these situations would be called "jealousy" issues.

What they have in common though is that, your girlfriend's attitude is tactless and you can educate her.

Some even more obvious positive jealousy responses happen when she cheats or lies to you.

You can as well express positive jealousy towards a guy who definitely comes too close to her and does not respect your couple.

The first question to ask yourself is:

"Is this a situation in which jealousy is justified or not?"

Now, in 95% of the cases, jealousy is unjustified.

It means that guys tend to overreact, mistrust and blow up a potentially nice evening without good reason.

This is why most of the male jealousy strategies are focused on shifting your response rather than educating her.

Use positive jealousy and educate her only in some isolated and exceptional situations.

This attitude must represent less than 5% of what you share with her.

Why? Because that’s the maximum she can usually take!

Every now and then (max once a month!) you have an opportunity and a need to ask her to shift something in the way she relates to you.

Remember that educating her happens only in some exceptional cases!

In most situations, shifting your own response and respecting her freedom is what works best!

If you overused jealousy and control in the past, forget even totally about trying to educate her on anything for a while, at least until you deal with your own issues!