Thursday, May 17, 2007

Stop spying on her!

Some ways of spying are quite innocent.

Let's call this "level 1" spying.

In fact it is not even called spying.

It is called being curious.

In involves simple elements like recognizing the hand writing on the envelope of a letter she just received.

Another time, you might over hear a phone conversation she has with an ex simply because you happen to be there.

It happens because you are confronted with it. You were not really looking for it.

When you ask her where she has been, or what she did, it can be along the same line. This is more sneaky and can be more invasive though.

You will say things like:

"I was worried about you!"

When in fact you were wondering with who she was and why she was not home at 6pm as usual.

This can become invasive if it is overdone and systematic of course.

The next level of spying (level 2) is when you actively take action to check what she's up to.

This involves checking her profile on a dating site to see if she has been active on it lately.

It is still non invasive to a point because you don't betray her privacy. Her profile is there for everyone to see.

In the next stage (level 3), you definitely cross the line:
  • You check her cell phone records.
  • You check her text messages.
  • You enter her email account.
  • You read her personal mail.
  • You search her belongings looking for clues,
  • Etc.

This one is a big No-No unless you have very good reasons to believe she is cheating on you.

It is an invasion of her privacy!

Realize that when you take that step, this could be a deal breaker for your relationship if she finds out about it.

There is one more level after that (level 4) which is following her, using detective tactics on her or hiring someone to do that!

The exact definition or model of these spying levels is not that important. I just made them up to make you realize that not all spying is the same.

Now, many men will indulge in a level 1 "spying-curiosity".

They ask questions. They are exposed to signs of her activities and who she is seeing.

That one is usually okay.

Now if you took any other step (level 2-4) or you aggressively ask her invasive questions about her activities over and over again, you probably start falling in the category of unwanted jealousy attitudes, right?

You want to get rid of that.

If you went to level 3 one time, thought she was cheating and found nothing, listen to that sign, forgive yourself and go back to the "I trust you" pattern.

Now, the best way to stop spying on her is to consciously drop it.

When you are tempted, you just sit down, wait for a minute and repeat to yourself:

"I am here to protect your freedom, not to limit you."

Depending on the intensity of your tendency to spy on her, it can easily take a month of focus to shift that behavior.

Even if you fall back, listen to the signs and what you found.

If she is not cheating, see it as a learning experience and use it to shift your behavior in the future.

If you found nothing, this usually means that your suspicions were ungrounded.

Spying on her is just another expression of your jealousy or insecurity. It is another way of expressing it.

Sometimes, you can express it verbally, other times you express it via this type of spying behaviours.

Ask yourself these questions:

  • What is the level, intensity and frequency of your spying/curiosity?
  • Does it bother either you or her?

This will tell you exactly how urgent it is for you to take action.

The full set of strategies to get rid of both spying and jealousy are explained in detail in your e-book and MP3 audios. If you are a guy fighting with this specific issue, these are the resources you want to get now!

http://vitalcoaching.com/malejealousy.htm

To your power!

vitalcoach