Saturday, May 19, 2007

How men give away their power in relationships and why they try to get it back through jealousy and controlling patterns

The more power you give away to your girlfriend or wife, the more you try to get it back through jealousy, insecurity or controlling patterns.

See your individual base as an entity.

You feel secure when you are in control of that base.

The moment you get into a relationship you often give too much of that power to your new partner.

You simply give her the right to have control over your actions, thoughts, time frame, attitudes, etc.

This power transfer is mainly unconscious.

You believe it is right to make concessions and go with what she wants rather than what you want.

This is how many man loose their power!

They simply give it up!

You end up giving her the control seat in your life.

Now, what are the consequences of that?

On your side, it tends to generate insecurity and greater desire to control her.

This gets expressed in jealousy patterns as well.

The reason why you want to control her life is because you simply want to gain back what you gave her.

Imagine that you have a certain reserve of controlling power.

When you are single, you express this in your own life.

You use this controlling power to protect your freedom and stay in charge of what is yours.

Now, when you get into a relationship and you allow her to step in and control some aspects of your own personal life (like career choices, activities, food choices, clothes, social life, etc) you end up with an extra unused reserve of controlling power.

The most natural way to express this controlling power is often to project it into her own life and start trying to control some aspects of her existence, get over jealous or very insecure.

This is when your couple gets in trouble.

Realize that you express insecurity towards her simply because you feel you are no longer in charge of your own life.

Therefore you start relying on her to provide you with this security.

If she decides to go on a date with her ex, you end up with a big power gap and feelings of anxiousness and insecurity because you gave your power away earlier and don't have the resources now to emotionally protect yourself.

When she goes on a date with her ex or flirts with other man, you end up with no control over either you or her.

Can you see these power dynamics.

They are very organic and instinctual.

It is almost like an equation which needs to be balanced.

So, what is the solution to all that?

It is actually quite simple!

If you don't want insecurity, controlling patterns or jealousy to rise in your being, stay in charge of your life!

Don't give her the control seat!

Don't delegate your power and don't let her choose what is right for you!

You need to stay in charge of your own life!

This is a decision you take in the very early stages of your relationship.

Don't give up your power!

The next question of course is:

How do you build up a relationship without giving up your power? Is it even possible?

Of course it is!

More on this in another post, ok?

get this e-book and MP3 audios

http://vitalcoaching.com/malejealousy.htm

for the full set of strategies on power dynamics and jealousy

Take care

vitalcoach